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Folks, I`d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me,about

you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom ofour

chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,

maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver,

maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don`t know.



I`m just an average Joe with a regular job

I`m your average White suburbanite slob

I like football and porno and books about war

I`ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar



But sometimes that just ain`t enough

To keep a man like me interested

(Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)

No, I`ve got to go out and have fun

At someone else`s expense

(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah



I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane

While people behind me are going insane



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, such an asshole)



I use public toilets and I piss on the seat

I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces

While handicapped people make handicapped faces



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s a real fucking asshole)



Maybe I shouldn`t be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they`re right when they tell me I`m wrong

Naaaah!



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



You know what I`m gonna do? I`m gonna get myself a 1967 CadillacEldorado

convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior

and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I`m gonna drive

around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down

quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald`s in the old-fashioned

non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I`m done suckin` down

those greaseball burgers, I`m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

and then I`m gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and

there ain`t a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why?

Because we got the bombs, that`s why.



Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-

they

can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy

cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won`t makea

lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Wayne`s not

dead-he`s frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we`re gonna

thaw out the Duke and he`s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why?Have

you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,

that`s how pissed off the Duke`s gonna be. I`m gonna get the Duke andJohn

Cassavetes

(Hey)

And Lee Marvin

(Hey)

And Sam Peckinpah

(Hey)

And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...

(Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)

Why don`t you just shut up and sing the song, pal!



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E



Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum

Oooh oooh



I`m an asshole and proud of it!

Folks, I`d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me,about

you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom ofour

chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts,

maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver,

maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don`t know.



I`m just an average Joe with a regular job

I`m your average White suburbanite slob

I like football and porno and books about war

I`ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on the table and a Cuban cigar



But sometimes that just ain`t enough

To keep a man like me interested

(Oh no) No way (Uh-uh)

No, I`ve got to go out and have fun

At someone else`s expense

(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah



I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane

While people behind me are going insane



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, such an asshole)



I use public toilets and I piss on the seat

I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces

While handicapped people make handicapped faces



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s a real fucking asshole)



Maybe I shouldn`t be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they`re right when they tell me I`m wrong

Naaaah!



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



You know what I`m gonna do? I`m gonna get myself a 1967 CadillacEldorado

convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcabs and all leather cow interior

and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights. Yeah! And I`m gonna drive

around in that baby at 115 MPH getting on mile per gallon, sucking down

quarter pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald`s in the old-fashioned

non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I`m done suckin` down

those greaseball burgers, I`m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

and then I`m gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and

there ain`t a goddamned thing anybody can do about it. You know why?

Because we got the bombs, that`s why.



Two words: Nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania-

they

can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy

cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won`t makea

lick of difference because we got the bombs, okay? John Wayne`s not

dead-he`s frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we`re gonna

thaw out the Duke and he`s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why?Have

you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15,000,000 times,

that`s how pissed off the Duke`s gonna be. I`m gonna get the Duke andJohn

Cassavetes

(Hey)

And Lee Marvin

(Hey)

And Sam Peckinpah

(Hey)

And a case of whisky and drive down to Texas...

(Hey, you know, you really are an asshole)

Why don`t you just shut up and sing the song, pal!



I`m an asshole (He`s an asshole, what an asshole)

I`m an asshole (He`s the world`s biggest asshole)



A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E



Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Fung achng tum a fung tuma fling chum

Oooh oooh



I`m an asshole and proud of it!

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