Текст песни: Weird Al Yankovic - Your Horoscope For Today



Aquarius

There`s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the

back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day



Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say



Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty

pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep



Taurus

You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you`ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff,

and then go back to sleep



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a

javelin through your chest



Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the

week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking

your driver`s test



Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to

your boss`s face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with

a gallon of strawberry Quik



Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled

on a stick



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit

unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars

could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively

applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these

forcasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific,

documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron

not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.



Where was I?



Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more

talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix

bursts next week



Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from

an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak



Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you`ve

got hanging in your den



Capricorn

The stars say that you`re an exciting and wonderful person, but

you know they`re lying

If I were you, I`s lock my doors and windows and never never

never never never leave my house again



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)

That`s your horoscope for today

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Aquarius

There`s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the

back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day



Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say



Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty

pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep



Taurus

You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you`ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff,

and then go back to sleep



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a

javelin through your chest



Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the

week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking

your driver`s test



Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to

your boss`s face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with

a gallon of strawberry Quik



Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled

on a stick



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit

unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars

could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively

applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these

forcasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific,

documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron

not to reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.



Where was I?



Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more

talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix

bursts next week



Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from

an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak



Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you`ve

got hanging in your den



Capricorn

The stars say that you`re an exciting and wonderful person, but

you know they`re lying

If I were you, I`s lock my doors and windows and never never

never never never leave my house again



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today



That`s your horoscope for today (that`s your horoscope for today)

That`s your horoscope for today

That`s your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)

That`s your horoscope for today

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Your Horoscope For Today